


Brighter

by Lexys23



Series: She Was Family [2]
Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: Drug Use, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-05
Updated: 2015-05-10
Packaged: 2019-07-11 08:08:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15968219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lexys23/pseuds/Lexys23
Summary: rin looked into her eyes. She saw those familiar eyes. She felt all the walls crumble down. Her legs collapse under her, as she cried. "I'm so sorry. I tried, I really tried." Hank wrapped his arms around her as she sobbed. "It's my fault. It's all my fault. I'm so sorry."





	1. Part I

 

_ I want something more, a life worth fighting for _ __  
_ I don’t need a reason, to set the world on fire _ __  
_ And burn a little bit brighter now _ __  
_ There’s something beautiful hiding in the shadows _ __  
_ So set the world on fire _ _  
_ __ Let’s burn a little bit brighter now

_ Brighter by Against the Current _

It had been a week since the death of Nadia. It hit the District 21 hard, but it hit Erin Lindsay harder. She was closest to her. She  _ lived _ with her. Nadia’s things were still in her apartment.

Erin had been staying at Hank Voight’s place, not having the energy to go to own place. Everything at her home reminded her of Nadia. She didn’t even have a car, because it was where it all happened.

Erin was currently sitting in her room, the one she used if she stayed over at Hank’s place. She was holding the birthday card she had found at her desk. She remembered feeling her heart shatter into a million pieces.

She wondered if anything could put her heart back together. She wondered if there was something that would tape it up again. She wondered if anything could get rid of the pain she was feeling.

Just before she came to a conclusion, there was a knock on her door. She looked up to see Hank standing there.

“How are you doing kid?” he asked, his voice soft and comforting.

“Okay, I guess. I don’t know,” Erin muttered, turning her attention back to the card.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

“What’s there to talk about? She’s gone,  _ dead _ . Nothing is going to bring her back,” Erin told him, her voice filled with disgust. Disgust for the  _ fucker _ who killed her, and disgust for herself for not being to save her quicker.

“Erin, don’t do this,” Hank said, pleaded.

“Do what?” she questioned, her voice void of emotion. She looked up at him, her eyes vacant. One look showed Hank how bad it was. How affected Erin was, he just hoped he would be able to save her.

**Chicago PD**

Erin wished she was able to get Yates. She wished she was able to make him suffer like he did to her. She wished she didn’t have her heart broken.

Erin looked at the small amount of vodka in her cup.

Her mind was going back a year. When Nadia got out of rehab. Her talk with her. How proud she was of her.

_ “So the next stop would be finding a job,” Nadia told her, excited. “a real job. One that I’m proud of.” _

_ “Do you have any leads?” _

_ “Well, nothing in stone. But there’s this woman that helps out at the clinic. She said she’d introduce me to her daughter, who runs some sort of clothing store or something.” Nadia smiled. “I don’t know. I need to work on that one.” _

_ “It’s all good. Listen, Nadia, don’t break my heart again.” _

_ “I won’t.” _

But she did, in the worst way possible. There was a hole in her heart, one that would never be filled again. She was broken from it. She didn’t know if she could become fixed by it.

Erin didn’t get close to many people, and the people she did, she gave her heart to. Not once did she think she would lose a part of it with someone in the way she did.

**Chicago PD**

She didn’t think things could get worse. Honestly, she thought it was already as bad as it could be.

She had hardened. Her felt no need to show people a soft side anymore when she went out.

It was the day she went back home that crumpled all her walls. It was the day she opened the door, and all the memories returned of the time they spend in her apartment. Of all the times they would stay up late and watch movies while eating pizza. Of all the times they’d talk boys. Or when they talk about their past, and how far they’d come.

Erin slowly walked inside, before locking her door. It took all she had to not break down and cry. She saw her mail for her, and Nadia. Nadia was still getting mail. Erin, with trembling hands reach for the letters and looked through them.

There was one letter that caught her attention. It was the results of Nadia’s exam. Erin slowly opened it, and upon reading the results, let out a sob.

She had  _ passed _ .

She had passed. She could have become a cop, but instead, she had to  _ rot _ in a grave. Erin let out a scream, as she fell to her knees.

**Chicago PD**

Jay Halstead looked at Erin’s desk. She hadn’t been to work in a few days, and it worried him. Hank had told his detectives that the woman needed a few days to herself.

Jay had held Erin when they found Nadia. He felt Erin break in his arms, and he couldn’t help but worry. He knew Erin would need more than a few days. He knew she would need help.

But he also knew that she was  _ not _ going to accept it. She was going to try to process and deal with on her own. And if anything, it was going to make things worse. Jay had seen her in the day following their return from New York City. She was not the same woman he had come to know. She was nothing but a shell of who she once was.

And it made him want to just hold her and bring the Erin he knew back. He just hoped she was not too far gone, and she was able to return.

**Chicago PD**

Erin raised the cup. “To you Nadia.”

“She wouldn’t want you doing this,” Hank said, standing behind her.

“Why not?” Erin questioned, her voice slurred. She had been intoxicated for sometime.

“Erin, talk to me.”

Erin laughed. “Yeah, talking is going to bring her back.”

Hank sighed, not sure what to say.

“C-can you go? I want to be alone.”

Her surrogated father nodded. He didn’t want to leave her alone, but he didn’t want to pressure her. He wanted her to deal at her own pace. He just hoped she would soon. Before things got worse, and her repression made everything worse.

Hank left, leaving Erin alone at the dinner table. She reached for her pocket and took out a card. There was number she was tempted to dial.

If things got worse when things were looking up, what was the point? Life was going to screw them up, so why try? Why fight it?

Erin got her phone and dialed the number.

“ _ Hello _ ?” a deep voice said from the other side of the line.

“Dom? It’s Erin? I’m an old friend of Charlie’s. I was wondering if you’re still dealing?”

She heard the person laugh. “ _ Lindsay. I knew you would call some day. Couldn’t stay away could you? Yeah, I have some stuff.” _

Erin closed her eyes. “C-can we meet?”

_ “Of course. I know I’m going to love doing business with you. I heard what happened. I know the perfect thing that will make everything better.” _

“Great,” Erin muttered, her eyes filled with tears.

She was going to live a screwed up life, so why fight it?


	2. Part II

 

_ I can’t control myself, don’t know who I’ve been _ _   
_ _ And who is this monster wearing my skin? _ _   
_ _ A movie in black and white. When will it end? _ _   
_ __ ‘Cause every time I scream no one hears me

_ It feels like I’m paralyzed, _

_ And I can’t escape from the prison _ _   
_ _ I’m living in _

_ I’m naming the voices in my head _ _   
_ _ They keep on telling me to give in _

_ Paralyzed by Against the Current _

Hank was worried. Erin, she was not dealing with it. She was not dealing with Nadia’s death.

He stood in front of the District, staring at the stone of Nadia Decotis. He had blackmailed George into letting the District put up the stone. He had done it for Trudy Platt, for his detectives, for the officers, but especially for Erin. He knew Erin needed it. She needed to see that Nadia would always be where she wanted to be.

He just hoped she would realize that sooner. She hoped Nadia wouldn’t want her to destroy herself. Nadia would want her to continue making a difference. She would want her to change other people’s lives, like Erin did for her.

**Chicago PD**

Erin took a deep breath, as she stared at the zip-lock bag in her hand. She had the drugs, the pills. She hadn’t touched it in so long. She hadn’t held it in so long. She could almost feel the euphoric feeling by just looking at it.

She opened the bag and dumped the contents on the table in front of her. She remembered meeting with her mother, the words that came out of her mouth.

_ “When I met Nadia, when I busted her, I just saw something in her. I wanted to be for her what Hank was for me. So I pushed her, in the direction I’ve gone. But if I had just left her alone from the start, none of this would have happened. I didn’t _ lose _ her. I got her  _ killed _.” _

And she did. It was all her fault. Erin grabbed the pills from the table and brought them up to her mouth. When she was about to put them inside, there was a knock on the door.

“ _ Erin _ ?” she heard Jay call. Erin rolled her eyes at her partner. He was always trying to get into her business.

She placed the pills back in the bag and hid them before walking to the door. She opened it and saw Jay standing there, staring at her.

“What do you want?” she asked, her voice laced with annoyance.   
Jay raised an eyebrow, his smile intact. “I just wanted to see how you’re doing.”

Erin frowned at him. “I’m fine. Can you guys just  _ stop _ asking me that?”   


Jay shook his head. “We’re worried about you.”

“Well don’t. I’m fine. I don’t need all of you breathing down my neck,” she snapped. Jay raised his hands, showing his innocents. “Is that all?”

“I wanted to see if you wanted to get a bite to eat with me,” he told her, his smile still on his face, and it angered her.

“I don’t have to spend every waking second with you.”

Jay’s smile slowly fell off his face. “Erin.”

“Look, whatever we had in the past, it’s gone. Whatever feelings I may have had for you are gone. So can you just leave me alone?”

“Erin, I know you’re mad. I know you’re angry. And I know you miss Nadia. But I also know that she wouldn’t want to see you like this.”

“Like what?”   


“Being a bitch. Pushing people away.”   


“Yeah, we’ll you didn’t know Nadia then.” And with that, Erin slammed the door on Jay’s face.

“ _ You’ll have to deal with it at some point. _ ”

The detective glared at the door, as she went back to her couch. She took out the pills and looked at them. She could feel the tears in her eyes as she felt like she was breaking apart.

“Damn it Nadia,” Erin shouted, as she tossed the bag across the room. The bag was not closed, so all the pills spilled al over the ground. Erin bit her lip as she tried to stop the sob threatening to come out.

She could feel the pain in her heart. She wanted it to stop. She didn’t want to hurt anymore. She stood up and walked to her bedroom, looking for something, anything to stop the pain.

She couldn’t find anything, so she headed back to her living room. She sat down on the couch, and stared at the pills that were on the ground.  _ Painkillers _ . That was what they were. Pills to reduce the pain. It was all she wanted. She just didn’t want to feel. She just wanted to forget.

She stood up and walked across the room, picking up the pills. She looked down at them. She stood up and looked at her kitchen, knowing that she would need something to wash down the pills with.

It was just for the pain. That was all she was going to do. She was just going to numb the pain.

**Chicago PD**

“ _ Can you just check on her? She won’t talk to me, but maybe she’ll talk to you? _ ” Jay said, in his call with Hank. He had called him an hour after he had checked on Erin. He couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong.

“I’ll check on her. She’s just deal with Nadia’s death her own way. It hit her in a way we won’t understand.”

“ _ But I think you’ll understand better. _ ”

“Maybe. I’m headed that way now,” he told his detective before hanging up. He headed up to Erin’s apartment and knocked on her door. “Erin? Are you there? We need to talk.”

There was no response. He tried a few more times before using his key to get in. He had gotten a key from her, for emergencies, like she had one for his house. He entered and saw no one there.

“Erin? Are you here?” he called out, as he walked inside. He looked around and saw nothing out of the ordinary. He was about to leave when he saw a hand on the ground.

He rushed over and saw Erin, on the ground. He got on his knees and looked for a pulse. He found one, it was weak. He looked around, trying to find something, anything that would tell him what happened.

He saw the bottle of vodka. That was one clue. He saw a bag in her hand. He grabbed it and saw a pill. He suddenly knew what had happened. He got his phone out and made a call.

“I need an ambulance. I have an OD victim, please get an ambulance here fast!” Hank said into the phone, as he held Erin close. He pulled her body close to his, as he looked down at her. “You’re going to be fine. You’ll be fine. I should have seen this. I should have protected you. You’re going to be okay, I promise Erin.” Hank blinked the tears away. “I promise you.”

Hank stayed with her until the paramedics, Brett and her partner arrived. 


	3. Part III

 

_ You left me out there with no one but myself  
_ _ In an open field for lightning to strike me down _ _   
_ _ I was the moon, you were the sun _ _   
_ _ I can’t seem to shine now that you’re gone _ _   
_ _ You ran out of orbit cause you left with no word _ _   
_ _ Are you somewhere better now? _ __   


_ Can you save me now? _ _   
_ _ I get lost in the clouds? _ _   
_ _ Can you save me now? _ _   
_ __ You were my gravity

_ Gravity by Against the Current _

Hank woke up when he felt a hand move. He quickly sat up and looked down at Erin, who was slowly opening her eyes.

"What happened?" Erin asked, her voice groggy and confused. She tried to sit up but Hank pushed her back down.

"No, stay down. We'll talk later. Just go back to sleep," Hank whispered.

Erin gave him a sleepy smile and fell back asleep.

Hank watched her, as the woman slept.

_ Brett and the new paramedic entered the apartment. They rushed to Erin and Hank. _

_ "What happened?" Brett asked, remembering Erin. She liked the older woman. _

_ "She, uh, she took these," Hank told Brett, giving her the bag of pills. "And she took alcohol." _

_ Brett nodded and went to work. _

_ Hank felt useless as he watched the paramedics work on his daughter. _

_ He could feel the phone vibrate in his pocket. He didn't want to answer it, but if he didn't the caller would just continue to call. _

_ "Voight," he said into the phone. _

_ "We got a break through in the case. We need you,” Antonio told him. Hank closed his eyes, nodding. _

_ “Okay. I want you to take over. There are some things I need to take care of,” he said, watching as Brett and her partner placed Erin on the gurney. _

_ “What? Is something wrong? Is Erin okay?” _

_ “We’ll talk later. Just handle the case and let me know when you catch him.” _

_ “Yeah okay.” _

_ Hank hung up and followed the paramedics, not wanting to leave Erin alone any time soon. _

“What did you do,” Hank whispered, as he watched Erin sleep. He took a deep breath. He fell asleep when he was sure that Erin was going to be okay

**Chicago PD**

Erin was a lot more lucid when she woke up the second time. She opened her eyes and frowned. She didn’t know where she was when she first woke up. The last thing she remembered was being home. She took some pills to get rid of the pain. It must have worked because she didn’t feel anything.

She looked over and saw Hank sitting there. He was asleep. It made her look around the room, wanting to know where she was and an idea of what had happened.

She was at the hospital. Something must have happened, but she didn’t know what. She sat up and woke Hank up.

“What happened?”   


“You OD’ed.”

“Wh-what?” she questioned, not sure she heard him correctly.

“I went to check on you. And I found you, on the ground. If I waited a few seconds, you would have been dead. What happened Erin?”

“I-I didn’t mean for that to happen,” she whispered, looking away. She couldn’t see his face, his concern.

“Are you sure?”

“I did  _ not _ try to kill myself,” Erin snapped, glaring at him.

“You’ve had a lot in your plate. Nadia’s death, I know it had a real big affect on you,” Hank told her, reaching over and grabbing her hand. “I’d understand if you were unconsciously doing that.”

“I was not! I just didn’t want o feel anything. I didn’t want to hurt anymore.”

“Erin—“

“It’s my fault! Is that what you want to hear? That it’s my fault? It’s  _ your _ fault too! If you hadn’t tried to  _ save _ me then I wouldn’t have been in her life!” Erin shouted, angry at the man in front of him. She started to pull the wires around her off and stood up from the bed.

Hank didn’t show any emotion. He just sat there, letting her shout at him. He didn’t even stop her from getting up, even if the doctors had told him that she should stay on the bed.

“ _ Fuck _ ,” she whispered, as she wiped her tears.

“I’m the reason she’s dead. I’m the reason this happened.”   


Hank stood up. “I have some people who want to talk to you. And now I know that it’s important that they do.”   


Erin frowned, as she looked at him open the door. Erin watched as a couple walked in. Erin turned to Hank, confused. She then looked at the couples. That was when it happened.

Erin looked into her eyes, the woman’s. She saw those familiar eyes, in Nadia’s face. She felt all her walls crumble down. Her legs collapsed under her as she cried. “I’m so sorry. I tried. I really tried.” Hank wrapped his arms around her as she sobbed. “It’s my fault. It’s all my fault. I’m so sorry.”

Mr. and Mrs. Decotis watched the woman break down in front of them. Mrs. Decotis walked forward and got on her knees in front of Erin.

“You saved her,” she whispered, looking at the woman her daughter looked up to. “You gave her a reason to turn her life around.”

“But if I never tried to help her, then  _ he _ wouldn’t have gotten to her,” Erin said, in her broken voice. Hank just held her tighter.

“No, but she would have died earlier. She would have overdosed, someone else could have hurt her. But she got to live a better life, even if it was for a short time,” she told the younger woman.

“She ran away from home. We lost contact with her for  _ years _ . But then, she called us. She apologized and told us she loved us. All because of you. All because you did come into her life,” her husband added, bending down next to his wife.

“I know a lot of people say this, but she wouldn’t want you doing this to yourself. She would want you to change other people’s lives like you did with hers. She would want you to continue being who you are. She would want you to be the woman she looked up to,” his wife continued, reaching over and grabbing Erin’s hand.

Erin looked up at her, her eyes filled with tears. She nodded as Nadia’s parents wrapped their arms around her.

“You brought her back into our lives. And we’ll never be able to thank you enough,” Mrs. Decotis, causing Erin to break down and cry.

**Chicago PD**

Erin looked at Hank, tired from what had just happened. “I’m sorry. I want to get better.”

“You will. I promise you. But I want you to move back in with me, until you’re back on your two feet. It will be hard,” he said, smiling softly.

“I know. But I have you, I have the team, and I have Nadia to help me through it,” she whispered.

Hank nodded. “I’m proud of you. You fell down, but you always get back up.”

“I want to be the person Nadia was proud of. I want to shine brighter.”

“And you will. Shine brighter,” Hank said, smiling at how cheesy it sounded. He suddenly got up. “I have to call Halstead. He’s going to have a heart attack when he hears what you did.”

Erin groaned as she leaned back against the bed. “He’s going to be so overbearing.”

“It just means he cares. And you did take those pills  _ after _ he left. He’s bound to feel guilty.”

“I hope not. But I know what you mean. I just didn’t want to feel anything anymore.”

“And now?”

“I have to fight through it. I have to fight through it all.”

Hank smiled, as he walked out of the room.

Erin was alone, as she looked at her hands. She knew she had a hard recovery ahead of her. Those pills, they got rid of the pain, but they brought back memories. She knew she had to be strong enough to fight through everything. And she was. She was going to be okay. She was going to survive, and keep being the hope she once was for Nadia. It was for Nadia. She was going to fight for Nadia and her family.

 


End file.
